new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
