I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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