Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
