If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
