It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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