Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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