you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
