So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
And then he peed in my hair
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