im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
