I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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