I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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