Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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