the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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