I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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