If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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