my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
