I just made out with a guy for $7.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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