Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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