omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
