i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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