so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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