I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
