youre lurking in front of me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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