my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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