This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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