I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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