so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
