apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She bit a glass in half.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
