I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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