New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
