...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
