When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
