Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
