office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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