Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
