the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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