Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
