did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
