You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
