She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you never un-have a 4some
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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