I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
