I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
