i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
