Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
