I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
