He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
