make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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