every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
