i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
