she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
