my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
