go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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