Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
