I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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